Just put on some music, maybe that was missing. I'm weird like that I suppose. My mind works better with a song going through it.

So I'm listening to useless by boingo. I love that song--- its real.

I've been thinking a lot about real and not real today. I was thinking about survivor communities where trauma was the focus of the site. No, it wasn't intended for that, but it happened. The control over lives seemed to be released from the individual, and handed over to the community. We all did it and we all took the control-- became everyones personal savior-- except for our own savior. When I was frequenting survivor communities, I found that I had a lot more incidents of self abuse. I wanted sooo bad to have someone fix it for me. I couldn't see in front of my face. It seemed that the worse you got, the more you were acknowledged. You played the best multiple game. I'm guilty too. More SI happened, more switching. I could switch lots back to back see look at me I'm the red haired dancing girl. Something had to give. Finally it did. I made sure I alienated myself from everyone involved in the survivor forums so I couldn't come back. If I played the come back leave game I would end up dead. I had to take the hard way out. There are a few people that I sorely miss from doing that, but I had to do it. I had to slip into bitch protector mode, to protect a lot of people in this system that was getting hurt by my obsession.

Want to know the weirdest thing? I think it was one of the most healthy things I've ever done. The way I did it was not healthy, Not by a long shot. The first little while of being away from the survivor forums it was really hard. I had no one to turn to. I am a multiple that has optyed for the non therapy approach, some because I don't see myself as sick, some that I don't want to give control of my life to another person, a lot that I can't afford it.

I wrote a while ago about empowerment. Making the break from survivor forums was very empowering. I discovered that I have an incredible sense of strength.

I got better.

When I came to the realization that there is more to life than just survivorship-- another world-- things got better. When I was frequenting the survivor communities I couldn't work, go to school. My multiplicity was all consuming. I was surrenedering control from myself and taking responsibility for others. No, this wasn't a requirement of survivor forums. Infact survivor forums encourage you to take control of your lives. I couldn't do it. Not many people can. When I left there I took control. I took MY responsibilities, and left the others with whomever they belonged to.

I got better.

LeAnne

----
Song for the day
Can't see (useless)

Boingo

We were both cast from the same pale hand and we both moved freely in the shadowlands And we were both sculpted by the same cold wind And we both had armor that was made from tin And I tried to find ytou, but its useless And I tried to speak but its useless And I felt so bad and I didnt know why and it didnt get better as time went by And I was there for you but you turned away and I tried to find you but its useless and I tried to speak but it was useless And I tried to find you but it was useless and youre so close but I cant see you and you were right there but I cant see you and I felt so dumb and I didnt know what to do You were right there and I cant see you and I realize that its useless and I want to fight but its useless And I know you're there but its useless and youre everywhere but its useless And I tried to say it but my tounge got tied and I tried to say it but I was numb inside And I cant see you anymore and my peace of mind has gone through the door and I realize that its useles and I thought I was right but it was useless and I know you're there but its useless and youre everywhere but its useless And I cant see in front of my nose and I know you're there and I know you're close And you're fading away Now you dissapear and I try to focus But I cant see clear and I dont know why I feel this way And I cant control myself anyway and I dont know why I feel this way And I cant control myself anyway And I feel so bad but its useless And I feel so bad but its useless And I feel so bad but its useless And I feel so bad but its useless And I cant see now in front of my face.