I'm so impressed with my talents. All this work and I only really broke it once! Hurah!

So I work at a convelecent hospital. Betcha didn't know that. Right now I am a certified nursing assistant (CNA). I have a love hate relationship with my job. I'm not sure if I love it or hate it.

Some of the things I love about it are the fufilment that I get from this place. I mean, wow. These people are old and abandoned, a lot of them are broken too.
I remember livng like that, when I was younger...

Anyway. a lot of these people have no one. Some of them were dropped off because they were an inconvience-- Like taking a dog to the pound because it doesn't match the decor. Gee, Grandma wets the bed sometimes, lets send her away.

Not all of them are like that. I suppose I should give some of these families some credit. Some of them are stroke survivors that can barely feed themselves. Some of them are on oxygen, or massive amouts of medication.

Some of them are dying. They sit in their chairs, we feed them clean them, talk to them. They return with blank stares, juice dribbling out of the corners of their mouths. Sometimes their eyes will connect with yours. They will tear up usually. They know you are the only family thats left-- they were totally abandoned.

I hate this job. Every feeling I have ever had about abandonment comes throiugh them.

It hurts.

But what hurts the most is that these people aren't treated as such. They're a paycheck. I nearly kill myself everyday trying to make those residents feel loved and cared about. Imagine this-- putting make-up on an old lady makes them sparkle-- to be able to be feminine for a while--- to be reminded of the life they had.

The pain thats in the alert one's eyes, the befuddled looks in the not so alert ones.....

I hate my job. I hate the suffering that they go through. I hate that they are looked on as a commodity and not a human. I hate that when I work I get commended that I do an excellent job, giving 120%-- I do my job, I hate that doing your job means you get recognized for doing good when all the othe people want to ignore them.

I love my job. I love that the alert ones smile when I walk in their room. I love that for the 8 hours that I'm there, I'm making a difference. I love the grateful smiles, the wonderful old stories that I hear, like today I was talking to one resident who studied under Norman Rockwell for a little while. Aparrently he was a good artist-- until he went to WW2 and had some massive PTSD and turned to alcohol.

I love learning through therm. I have learned sooooo much. I'm amazed by these people.

I go back everyday. I think that the good outweighs the bad.

I think I love my job.

LeAnne