Work is ok. I have the next couple of days off, so that will be nice. I haven't been on the run from hell for the last 2 days. Its amazing how much better my body feels when I don't have that run. My shoulders don't hurt, I don't have any new bruises. Amazing, huh?

Been feeling depressed all day today. Its funny how when I'm at work, it doesn't hit me at all. Its good to be a multiple sometimes.

Know what's wierd? Sometimes I feel like I am at risk of eternal damnation when I even think about being a multiple. I wonder where this came from. I feel like thinking/talking about it will tick God off and he will send me to hell. All those years of religous training seems to have warped my mind.

I remember in the 10th grade we had a discussion in Bible class about loosing one's salvation. There were the believers that one could indeed loose it, then the others that believed that you can not loose your salvation. The icky thing about that discussion is the issue was not resolved. I wonder if talking about being multiple could be enough to have God write me out of the book of those that can enter.

Maybe its the fear of telling secrets. I betcha that someone in the elementary school had told me that if you tell the secrets that God wouldn't love you anymore.

I hate that I don't have a clear cut feeling of good and bad. I was talking to a survivor of satanic abuse who is a christian. She told me if I saw some of the stuff that she had seen there would be no question about good and evil and the existance of God. There are times that I think if there is a God then he must really hate me, or wanted me to hate him. These people, a pastor and other high ups in that church, were supposed to be his servants, ordained to teach me about God. If this is God, I don't know what to think.

Maybe I wouldn't want to go to heaven if what they did was truly Gods will. If purification means intense pain maybe it isn't for me. I feel like I might be condemed for just thinking that.

I am such a wuss.

Thinking about all this makes me think about those Goddamned videos on the end of the world, the whole rapture crap. There is a song that they sang in the first video-- the point they'd try to get across in this song was I wish we'd all been ready. Shit. Would I even be considered remotely ready when I am struggling with the issues of am I going to Hell for just talking/thinking about stuff. Which brings me back to the can one loose their salvation.

For a while we were in super christian mode. During high school (well the first couple years of it) we were soooo involved with spreading the good word. Went down to Mexico to help spread the good word with the church, joined a mime troupe (yes, I used to be a mime, and I liked it) with all these meaningful skits about how wonderful God is, and was even in the choir singing the virtues of the Lord. Glorious is thy name almighty God, etc. I wanted so desperately to get on God's good side, after all, those purification rituals were not there anymore so I had to do something to keep him happy. After a while I gave up. It started with the suicide attempts and went downhill from there. I feel like I ccan't keep jumping though those damned hoops. I can't.

I wonder if God is pissed at me. When I'm doing hospice type of work at the convelecent hospital, I tell the actively dying resident to feel free to go with Jesus. I say he loves you a lot and he has a room ready for you. Is this hypocritical? When I'm feeling like God is out to fuck over people the best he can, as the movie Devil's Advocate so beautifly put it, God is an absentee landlord. I feel like that most of the time yet I tell these people Jesus is waiting to welcome you home. It's stuff that I know they need to hear so they won't fear dying, but what if I'm lying to them. What if God is saying nope, you're a fuck up, you certainly are not welcome here (like I'm scared he's going to say to me) and they think back to when I said go with him.

This turned into a religious ramble. I am sooo mixed up about God. I feel totally lost sometimes.

LeAnne
---
Song
One Of Us
Joan Osbourne

If God had a name,
what would it be
and would you call it to his face
if you were faced with him
in all of his glory?
What would you ask if you had just one question?

And yeah, yeah,
God is great
Yeah, yeah,
God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us?
Just a stranger on a bus
tryin' to make his way home?

If God had a face,
what would it look like
and would you want to see,
if seeing meant that you would
have to believe
in things like Heaven and in Jesus and the saints, and all the prophets?

And yeah, yeah,
God is great
Yeah, yeah,
God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us?
Just a stranger on a bus
tryin' to make his way home?

He's tryin' to make his way home
back up to Heaven all alone
Nobody calling on the phone
'cept for the Pope, maybe, in Rome

And yeah, yeah,
God is great
Yeah, yeah,
God is good
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

What if God was one of us?
Just a slob like one of us?
Just a stranger on a bus
tryin' to make his way home?

Just tryin' to make his way home
like a holy rolling stone
Back up to Heaven all alone
just tryin' to make his way home
Nobody calling on the phone,
'cept for the Pope, maybe, in Rome...